I’m a bad listener. Sometimes I don’t want people to get too close to me. Sometimes I don’t feel empathy or compassion or even interest. Sometimes I’m thinking about myself instead of listening to whoever is speaking. Sometimes I let my mind wander and think about other things instead of actively listening.

Each of us bring our own being and creativity to our interactions with those around us. People’s stories impact us all differently and we hear them differently. Each of us layer our own experiences over the stories being told. Body language and other unspoken signals also impact our listening. Listening, good listening, requires focus and a blending of the story being told with our own experiences to gain understanding. These things, focus, blending of our experiences with the story, the need for interpretation of the intent of the words and the unspoken signals are many of the same skills I bring to my art (stitching, writing, multimedia art projects).

Different circumstances surrounding listening also require our interpretation. Each type of listening requires a variation of listening. Yet another thing about listening that requires our interpretation. Here is my list of various types of listening.

• Listening to myself
• Listening to God
• Listening to a speaker in a large group
• Listening to a friend over coffee
• Listening to a casual acquaintance
• Listening to a friend at a party or family celebration.
• Listening to a friend in trauma
• Listening to a friend on a joyous occasion.

And here is my list of things not to do or say when listening.

• Don’t think about how to respond while the other person is talking.
• Don’t be distracted by technology and/or daydreaming.
• Don’t respond with a platitude.
• Don’t make it all about self by telling a story that minimizes the other person’s story.
• Don’t let eyes wander instead of focusing on the other person’s face.
• Don’t listen passively instead of actively engaging with what the other person is saying.
• Don’t try to change the subject because its uncomfortable.
• Don’t be afraid of silence.

If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame. Prov. 18:13 NIV

Is there any time we shouldn’t listen? I had to think about this. When I started writing this post I thought that we should always listen but as I deliberated on the topic I realized there are times when we shouldn’t listen.

• When the story is gossip.
• When the story is offensive to others, whether political, ethnic or personal.
• When the story is overwhelming.
• When the story is not uplifting or helpful.
• When the story indicates the person telling it needs more help than you can give.

A perverse person stirs up conflict, and a gossip separates close friends. Prov. 16:28 NIV

Listening when the topic is hurtful is destructive to everyone involved. Again we must interpret the words and decide what to do. Sometimes we can just walk away. Sometimes we need to tell the person speaking that the story they are telling is inappropriate. Sometimes we need to find help for the person telling the story when we are overwhelmed or cannot give the help they need. Deciding what to do is difficult and requires discernment of the person, the situation, and our own weaknesses. There may be offense at first but the goal is for everyone to realize the need to guard our words and speak things that are helpful and not hurtful.

My goal is to get better at listening; to focus on the person and the story being told and to put distractions (including how I should answer) aside and to really hear what is being said. I’m working on recognizing and replacing bad habits like those on the not to do list with better listening skills.